Title: Lord of the Rings Ė The Real Story
Pairing: All of them, oh just read the story!
Rating: R, Sort of
Feedback: Yes please!!!!
Disclaimer: I donít own any of these characters because if I did I would have some sword-wielding chicks in there. And Iím not making any money off of this, which is really sad.
Lord of the Rings - The Real Story 1/1
Aragorn advanced slowly upon Frodo, sinking down on one knee he leaned forward as Frodo proffered his hand. Falteringly the halfling opened his small fist, revealing to Aragorn the gleaming gold band, its true nature not dimmed by the one who bore it.
With one swift stroke Aragorn drove the blade of his dagger directly into Frodo's heart, snatching the ring from him as Frodo toppled over.
"Mr. Frodo!" With a cry of horror Sam rushed up, only to learn for himself just how deep Aragorn's treachery went as he too was permanently silenced by another strike from Aragorn's blade.
Standing, Aragorn looked down at how Sam had fallen upon top of Frodo. In death they appeared as enamored of each other as they had in life. Aragorn turned to move away and then stopped. Should anyone happen upon this scene it would not do for them to know what really happened. So leaning down, he pulled a knife out of his boot. It was a throwaway really, the serial numbers he'd long since filed off so that it couldn't be traced back to him.
Stooping down, he placed it in Sam's limp, hairy palm. There! If anyone should ask it would be apparent that this was a murder/suicide. Besides everyone knew how hot Sam was for Frodo, so if Frodo should rebuff his advances... well, Sam was quick tempered.
Not a half a mile down the road, he found Boromir and Merry in the bushes. Well Boromir had used his old 'let's go blow the horn of Gondor' line for the last time. The big man and the little hobbit died just as quickly as Frodo and Sam had. The expressions on their faces at that final moment could have been attributed to "gas" so surprised did they look. But in order to ensure he'd have enough time to be far away before the Orc Police came looking for him (it was well known how badly Orcs loved to put the bad guys in jail) Aragorn picked up some Urk Hai arrows he found laying around and jabbed them into Boromir and Merry.
That problem solved, Aragorn found himself whistling a tune as he toddled on down the road. And the ring itself seemed happy, so close to his skin did it lie. He began to feel its warmth spread outwards, or was that from the tacos he'd had a lunch?
As he was pondering this, he came upon Legolas and Gimli deep in a thicket. It was almost cute the way Legolas' pale hands gripped Gimli's shoulders as the dwarf bobbed up and down 'sharpening Legolas' arrowhead'. Why, he'd heard of this game back when he was but a boy, spending all those long hot sultry sweaty afternoons in Lord Elrond's blacksmith shop. But that was then and this was now, so he killed them both. Covering the bodies with leaves when he was done. In time, small animals would chow down on them so thoroughly no one would know that this wasn't an accident.
By this time, Aragorn's joy knew no bounds, soon, very soon, he would be master of the universe, and it would be no more "Aragorn, go kill that troop of Orcs using nothing but one left over fish stick" or "Aragorn you left the door open to the paths of the dead again". How he hated to be nagged.
Deep in these thoughts he almost missed Pippin and Gandalf, they were sitting behind a tree. Gandalf was apparently showing Pippin how to "pull a rabbit out of the Wizard hat".
Gandalf appeared to be enjoying this very much as poor Pippin had his hand in the hat up to his shoulder while Gandalf kept telling him, "Pull the rabbit up, no wait, I think now you need to pull him down." Aragorn had to work hard at smothering his laughter when Pippin said, "How much longer till I can get this rabbit out Gandalf? My arm is really starting to get sore." Kindly Gandalf replied "it's an old rabbit my boy, but I don't think it'll be much longer."
Tired of all this wizard claptrap, Aragorn silenced them both with a hard blow to their heads. Then he stuffed the bodies into Gandalf's hat. Hey, having a magic hat was good for something. Then he rolled the hat up and tucked it under his belt.
Turning away and giggling to himself in a high-pitched girlish way, Aragorn was suddenly brought up short by an exquisite burning in his chest. Taking two stumbling steps forward he dropped to one knee ('not again' he exasperatedly thought, he was really getting tired of being on his knees) and this was his last thought before he too tumbled to the ground dead.
Stepping forward, Arwen placed one foot upon Aragorn's back and withdrew her sword. She then leaned forward and pried the ring from Aragorn's cold dead hand.
"You were right father, he was mortal after all."
Momentarily she studied the bauble in her hand.
"All this fuss over this little bit of gold," she scoffed, "which is not even 24 karat." Men are so stupid."
Lord Elrond stepped forward and enfolded his daughter in his arms; gently he kissed her upon the lips. But before he could do more Arwen pushed him away. "I'm sorry father but I don't have time for the elven ritual of comfort right now. But perhaps later in my chambers, after we've taken care of this cheap ring that wouldn't even make a good prize in a box of cereal. But first the Lady Eowyn and I must decide who is to carry this fricking ring to Mount Doom."
Lord Elrond stepped away, nodding his acceptance of this, "I'll hurry back and tell Lord Tolkien what has happened."
Arwen disappeared into some bushes behind Eowyn. Lord Elrond hesitated, smiling to himself as he had visions of hair pulling. He cast his gaze about; it was rather muddy by this riverbank. He was just starting to hunt for a good place from which to watch the proceedings when Arwen's voice rang out.
Lord Elrond hurried off.
So, after much moaning and groaning, it was indeed Arwen and Eowyn who made that arduous trip to Mount Doom to destroy the tacky ring, though, being women, they had to make many rest stops, interspersed with long, heated sessions of the elven comfort ritual. Eventually they got there and just tossed the stupid ring in. Had they celebrated just a bit more enthusiastically they might have wound up falling in that volcano themselves. But they didn't.
So now you know the truth. What, you would doubt me? But I swear to you I read it in the last issue of PLayElf Magazine.