Title: When Worlds Collide
Rating: R (for language)
Pairing: Legolas and friends
Summary: Legolas needs help
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine which is a sad sad thing
A/N: I offer no excuses for what you are about to read other than the evil plot bunnies sank their fangs in me and would not let go. But now I’ve given them a nice cup or warm carrot juice and shooed them off to bed.
A/N2: As always I could not have done this without my beloved beta the Ignoblebard, I will always be a better story teller because of him.
When Worlds Collide
“Have you seen these?” Legolas furiously addressed the dark headed boy standing in front of him. They were standing in a library that was crammed full from floor to ceiling with parchments. Some were dusty and appeared to have never been touched while others were tattered and dog-eared, their appeal seeming to have been appreciated by many.
Slowly Harry turned on his heel studying the room, “this doesn’t look all that bad.”
Outraged, the elf whipped around, “Are you blind?”
Harry pointed to his glasses, “Couple of coke bottles here, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
“I knew this was a bad idea,” Legolas sighed. “I should have never agreed to let Professor Tolkien put me in a story.” He drew himself up and spoke with a clipped British accent, “Don’t worry, old bean, just a few sentences here or there, you’ll add just the right amount of contrast. Then that blasted movie came along, they bring in that pretty boy Orlando Bloom to play me, and now WILL YOU JUST LOOK AT THIS?” His voice was raised in a battlefield roar as he waved one silken clad arm to encompass the room in which they were standing.
““Geez, what a whiner,” Harry muttered to himself. “So all these are stories about you?” he quickly asked as Legolas turned to glare at him.
“Yes,” the elf growled.
Harry turned a disbelieving eye on the golden one standing in front of him; the elf seemed so fair, so perfect, like someone who probably never passed gas even once in his life.
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
"When Professor Tolkien wrote about me it was not, but now…" He lowered his voice to whisper and blushed, "These are all about… wait, how old are you?"
"Old enough to know when someone is talking about sex," Harry grinned.
Legolas cleared his throat self-consciously, "Well, anyway, I wish they would all just go away."
Harry pulled out his wand, “want me to obliterate them?”
“No,” Legolas moaned. Pulling up a chair, he was forced to push more manuscripts out of the seat. Placing his head in his hands he sadly replied, “For every one you get rid of ten more spring into its place.”
"So these stories are like a Hydra," Harry mused. "But why are so many people writing about you?"
"Can you not see…?" Legolas began, but Harry tapped his glasses with his wand and Legolas stopped.
"Oh, right. Well, it would seem that many consider me not only beautiful, but one heck of an easy mark. To count, I have been raped two million, three hundred thirty thousand and six times. I’ve been a slut and a monk. I’ve been pregnant by pretty much everyone in Middle Earth EXCEPT the hobbits. I’ve had sex with pretty much everyone in Middle Earth INCLUDING the hobbits. If you have that much sex, at some point or another you are going to get pregnant, yet no one really can explain how a man has a baby.”
Harry snorted scornfully. “You ponce, everyone knows you wave your wand and the baby pops out.”
“You pregnant again, Potter? Condom get a hole in it?”
Startled, Harry and Legolas spun around to see Draco and Ron enter the library hand in hand, with a serenely smiling Arwen trailing behind them.
“They’re old enough,” she said in response to the look Legolas gave her.
“Yeah, to be your sons,” the elf shot back.
Arwen laughed at him, “You’re just jealous.”
“I’m not.” Harry interrupted; I’ve slept with both of them, and they aren’t that good in bed. Malfoy is such a do-me queen, and Ron always wants me to wear a red wig and insists on calling me Percy.”
Ron started to draw his wand then stopped; he threw himself on Harry and started punching him, “It’s personal this time, Potter.” Draco joined him and the next thing Legolas knew, the three schoolboys were rolling around on the floor hitting one another.
A few moments later Aragorn strode in and separated the brawling boys. Grabbing Draco and Ron he shoved them out of the door by the scruffs of their necks calling out to Arwen as he went, “It’s my turn with them now!” Addressing their shocked looks he continued, “Hey, they’re old enough.”
Arwen went over to another chair and pushed more parchments off of it. She sat down and smoothed her skirts. Sweetly she smiled at him, “Whining again, Legolas?”
“No Legolas dear, according to all these stories”, she waved one arm to encompass the room, “you have that market cornered.”
Her laughter was light, like silver bells, and Harry eyed her comely form for a moment. “Wanna take a ride on my broom?"
She eyed him speculatively.
“He grinned at her wickedly, “I’m old enough.”
“Let me see what other magic tricks you have up your sleeve, then we’ll talk.”
“Fine,” Harry pouted before turning to face Legolas once more, “so what else is bothering you?”
“There have been stories written about me and...” Legolas shuddered, “Gimli.” Now he went into full flame mode, “What no one seems to get is that dwarfs from Middle Earth are hairy little beasts not much bigger than a dog.” He put one hand to his forehead as if he had a headache. “Why would I want to have hairy little dog man sex?”
“Hey," Harry interrupted, “try having sex with a werewolf sometime, THEN you can come back to me and complain, getting humped from behind is never as sexy as it sounds on paper, TRUST ME ON THIS. You think dwarves have hair? You’ve never seen a werewolf shed. I’ve sprouted so much fur out of my ass; it looks like one of Hagrid's magical beasts back there.”
Legolas continued his rant, ignoring the boy, "Even the so-called canon police have me paired with every doe-eyed bint from here to London," he griped
“It's not the canon police who rapes the characters and makes them have sex with werewolves, mates.”
Arwen, Harry and Legolas turned as Captain Sparrow sashayed into the room.
Jack turned a speculative eye to Harry, “Eunuch?”
Harry waved his wand and his pants fell to his ankles, “What do you think, you old git?”
Sparrow nodded appreciatively, “I could walk the plank with something like that.”
Harry waved his wand and his pants returned up around his hips, “Bloody pirates, you think if it’s hard it’s up to be taken for a ride on high seas.”
Legolas dropped his head back to his hands, this was not going as he had planned, he’d summoned the boy wizard to help make everything right, and instead the cheeky little bastard was exposing himself to only the most dread pirate since the ending of the fourth age when Middle Earth had started to change. Well Middle Earth had really only started to change with the advent of the computer and this shit called fan fiction.
“What’s wrong with golden boy over there, he a eunuch?”
Harry laughed, “No, he’s all upset about the stories that the fans write about him. Personally I don’t see where he has room to complain, my best friend Hermione…” Harry moved his head closer to Jack’s and spoke in a whisper, “…there’s been stories written about her and the giant squid at our school.”
Now it was Jack’s turn to shudder, “Oh mate, I’ve been there, went in one end came out the other, the odor of Kracken shit followed me for weeks.”
Legolas’ nose wrinkled, “So that’s what I smell. I thought maybe I’d stepped in something on the way in today.”
Jack leered at the elf, “Careful mate, or later I may just bend you over the port side of my bow. I’ve read one or two of those stories written about you, you are quite the hot little number. Always dropping the soap,” Jack started ticking off places on his fingers, “in the shower, in the forest, in front of your father.”
Horrified, Harry turned on Legolas, “You’ve done it with your father?”
Before Legolas could reply he was interrupted by a slim, brown haired figure entering the room, “I don’t want to hear any of you panty waists complaining about getting done by a family member, I’ve got you all beat hands down.”
Faramir placed his hands on his hips and eyed the others. “I’ve been done by my father while wearing a dress,”
Who was wearing the dress, you or your father? Legolas sweetly asked. “There have been rumors about you for a long time, my lord prince.”
Faramir flipped him the finger before continuing, “I was the one wearing the dress if you must know. I was being punished.”
“Oh sure the old I-was-being-punished defense,” Harry laughed, I’m the youngest one here and even I know that’s a lame one."
“At least I haven’t done it with the entire Slytherin Quidditch team.” Faramir hotly replied.
“I was drunk,” Harry’s pouted.
Jack and Faramir rolled their eyes at this and Arwen laughed as Legolas said, “Boy, I’m the oldest one here and that excuse was ancient when I was an elfling."
Harry waved his wand and once again his pants fell to the floor, “Who you calling ‘boy’?”
At that point both Will and Elizabeth entered the room; Jack sidled over to the boy wizard, “Quick, hide the rum.”
Fastening his pants, Harry quickly stepped away, “I’m not falling for that line again,” he muttered.
Jack shot him a dark look before turning away, “William, Elizabeth, how enchanting to see you both today.”
Before Elizabeth could reply, Will walked over to Legolas, "Are you the librarian?"
"What in Eru's name would make you think that?" Legolas asked, fingering his bow.
Will backed away quickly. "Sorry, I thought you were a woman."
Legolas sighed. "Yeah, I get that a lot."
Will turned around to find Jack and Elizabeth in a clinch.
"Bollocks! It's not bad enough the fan fiction writers have Barbossa up my ass all the time, but the screen writers had to screw me too."
Harry giggled, “At least you haven’t been done by a family member.”
“Not until this last movie came out anyway,” Will sighed.
"At least you had a father to rape you, I'm an orphan," Harry said wistfully.
“Right, well so was I but my father still managed to have me,” Will snarled. Harry looked at him skeptically and Will explained, "Dead sea-zombie sex."
Harry shuddered, "Did I ever tell you about my friend Hermione and the squid?"
"Did the squid have a lobster claw for a hand?" Will asked.
Will waved his hand dismissively, "Then I win that one too, if you call that winning." He looked over to see Elizabeth sticking her tongue down Jack's throat and decided he'd had enough. He stormed over, yanked Elizabeth away from Jack, and pulled her out the door. "Any more of that and I'll have to think twice about marrying you," he snapped.
"Oh, come now, William…" Jack began.
"Not for you or any other man," Will called over his shoulder.
This seemed to trigger some memory in Faramir because he went over, pushed parchments out of yet another chair, then sat down and promptly burst into tears.
Harry found himself oddly moved by the genuine distress of this brown haired man from another era. He went to kneel beside Faramir and patted him gently on the shoulder for a moment before he spoke, “If you come and live with me, I’ll protect you and your father and brother will never lay a hand on you again.”
“How did you know about my brother?” Faramir gasped.
“Um," Harry sheepishly said, “I might have read one or two of the stories about you.”
Faramir started crying harder.
“But I swear it was just for something to read, I didn’t get excited from it or anything.”
Harry summoned all the wide eyed innocence he could, “Wizards Honor.”
Faramir stood and took Harry’s hand, together they walked to the door but halted as Arwen said, “What about your offer to me?”
Harry murmured something into Faramir’s ear and pointed down the hallway. As his new love exited the room, Harry went to Arwen, “The stories written about him are far hotter than the ones I’ve read about you.”
Then he leered at her and quickly exited at a trot behind Faramir.
Now it was Arwen’s turn to burst into tears. Immediately Jack was beside her.
“Come my dear, he was offering you a ride on his broom but I’ve got a mizzenmast with your name written all over it.”
Her tears dried instantly, “Very well.”
She took the hand Jack offered her and they exited the room, behind them they could hear Legolas going through the parchments and muttering to himself.
“Oh dear, this one is on chapter 110 and she’s still not done, I’ve been raped 237 times and counting.”