fever

Dedication: This is for my friend, Dana, who, like me, enjoys a little change of pace now and again with a sick Blair who's more pissy than pathetic and a long-suffering, rather than saintly, Blessed Protector.

FEVER

by Red Soprano

"J-Jim?"

"Yeah. Right here, Chief."

"Wha's goin' on, man?"

"Shh.... Everything's okay, buddy."

"Why 'zit so c-cold?"

"You've got a fever, I'm trying to get it down."

"Tha' dun' may senn...."

"What doesn't make sense?"

"'m f-fever?"

"Mm-hmm."

"'kay."

"Try to stay awake, Chief. I'll let you out of here in a bit."

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"Jim?"

"Don't splash around, buddy. Just lie still."

"I'm cold, man. Lemme up."

"Shh. Just take it easy."

"F-freezin' my b-butt off here...."

"Well, that's kinda the idea, Chief."

"This is startin' t' piss me off, man. L-lemme up."

"Dammit, Sandburg, quit fighting me here."

"I gotta get to the U, man. Gotta class t'teach...."

"Blair! Stop it. Please. Just calm down."

"But...."

"Shh.... It's okay."

"....class t'day...."

"Shh.... No. You don't have class today."

"I don'?"

"No. Don't worry. Just try to lie back and relax."

"Easy f'you t'say...."

"Blair?"

"Hmm?"

"Stay awake, okay?"

"Thoughtcha wan' me relasss...."

"I do. Just stay awake, okay?"

"Make up'r min', man...."

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"Jim?"

"Yeah, buddy."

"This s-sucks."

"Yeah. I know."

"Don' like sittin' naked inna tubba ice water."

"Well, Chief, number one: It's not ice water."

"Sure's hell f-feels like it."

"Well, it's not. I wanted to get your fever down, not send you into cardiac shock."

"T-two?"

"Hmm?"

"Y'said 'num'er one.' Wha's t-two?"

"Oh, yeah. Two: You're not naked. I left your boxers on."

"You d-did? Oh. So y'did. Thanks, man. Tha's real th-thoughtful of you."

"What can I say. I'm an officer and a gentleman."

"You're a d-dickhead."

"You know, Sandburg, I was just starting to think you were sounding coherent enough that maybe your fever had broken. Looks like you need to stay in a while longer."

"Jim! D-dammit. Lemme up. Jus' cause you're a d-dickhead dun' mean I'm n-not coherent."

"No, but you're cranky as hell. And crankiness is a symptom of high fever."

"No, Jim. Crankiness is a n-natural consequence of sitting in a t-tub f-full of icy water, freezing your n-nuts off. Now lemme outta this f-friggin' tub before I decide to kick some S-s-s-sentinel ass!"

"Ahhlrighty then.... I think you've cooled down enough."

"D-damn straight."

"Hang on, let me get you a towel."

"Thanks."

"Wait, don't try to get up by yourself...."

"Don' wanna wait, wanna get outta this damn -- whoa! Ooomph!!"

"Chief? You okay?"

"Ouch. That hurt."

"Sandburg."

"Yeah, Jim."

"It's been a long night."

"It has? Don't 'member...."

"Yes, it has. I'm tired. You're sick as a dog...."

"An' madder 'n a wet hen....'

"Well, I wasn't going to mention that. But things *would* go a lot quicker if you'd stop fighting me and let me help you out here."

"....sorry."

"That's okay, partner. Just chill, all right?"

"I can't b-believe you just s-said that."

"Oh, yeah. Sorry. You ready?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Now just put your arm over my shoulder ... there you go. Now ... here we go ... upsy-daisy.... There. You got your feet under you?"

<snort>

"What?"

"You said upsy-daisy. Never figured you for an upsy-daisy kinda guy."

"Once again, Sandburg, you've underestimated me. I've always been an upsy-daisy kinda guy."

"C-cool.... That's nice to know.... Jim?"

"Yeah, Chief?"

"Is this some sort of weird male bonding thing?"

"Don't ask me. You're the anthropologist."

"F-funny, man. Say, I c-could use that t-towel right about now...."

"Good idea. Just stand there a second, Chief. Let me reach over and grab a couple."

"....'kay.... Need one for my hair, too."

"You got it. Here, let's get this around you...."

"Damn. My hair's going to be a mess. Do you have any idea how hard it is to comb this stuff out when it's cold?"

"It's harder to comb when it's cold?"

"When it's wet and cold, yeah. Like trying to detangle a bunch of ropey strands of seaweed ... oh, wait...."

"Chief?"

"Damn."

"Forgot about the hair, huh?"

"Yeah. That's okay. This is good. Short hair's good."

"Yeah. Short hair's good.... You ready to step out now?"

"Well, I'm still sportin' a pair of wet boxers here, Jim."

"Oh yeah. Let's get you out of those...."

"Hey! Git yer mitts off my shorts! I can handle this on my own, man."

"Whatever...."

"And quit peekin'!"

"I'm not -- Jesus, Sandburg. I'm just trying to keep you from falling on your butt here."

"Ah, h-hell, Jim ... I know. Damn. I don't mean to be so pissy."

"I know you don't. Don't worry about it.... You ready to step out? Hang onto me ... there you go."

"Thanks."

"I got your sweats here...."

"Really, Jim. I'm sorry. Didn't mean to go all postal on you."

" 'S okay, Chief."

"No, it's not okay. You probably saved me from frying about a few million brain cells here. I didn't mean to be so ungrateful."

"I said don't worry about it, buddy. You had good reason to be a little cranky."

"Yeah, maybe."

"Need help getting your pants on? I promise I won't peek."

"Ha ha."

"Seriously, Blair. I'm sorry I had to do this. The tub thing. You were practically unconscious when I put you in, but you still freaked out pretty bad.... Scared me."

"It did?... 'M sorry."

"Not your fault. Anyway, I just didn't know what else to do. I mean, you started out with a simple case of the flu and then your fever went right through the roof. And you *would* pick the worst ice storm of the century to get sick. There was no way to get you to the hospital, Chief. So you were stuck with the old dip-in-the-tub remedy."

"It's okay, man. Really. You probably saved my life. Hey, you got a pair of socks there somewhere?"

"Yeah. There you go."

<grunt>

"Sandburg?"

"Yeah?"

"Why don't you sit on the toilet so you don't fall on your ass trying to put those on?"

"Oh yeah. Why didn't I think of that?"

"Well, you did come close to losing a few million brain cells tonight."

"Right. I'm just glad you talked me out of going to the U today."

"You remember that part, huh?"

"Yep. Would have been kind of embarrassing, seeing as how I don't work there anymore."

"Yeah."

"You all right, Chief?"

"Uh-huh."

"You sure?"

"Oh, sure. I'm good. Kinda wiped is all."

"Me, too."

"Jim?"

"Yeah?"

"Sorry about tonight. About being such a dickhead and all."

"That's okay, Chief. I forgive you."

"Yeah, I forgive you, too. And Jim?"

"What?"

"The next time you've got a fever and you're in danger of frying a few hundred brain cells--"

"A few hundred? How come when it was your brain cells it was a few million?"

"--and you need someone to freeze your balls off in a tub of icy water--"

"It wasn't icy. It was pleasantly cool...."

"--I'll be there for you, man."

"I'm touched, Chief."

"I know you're touched, Jim. And that's with all those brain cells still intact."